Box of sunshine

Wednesday night I had my first true emotional break down.

You're not going to believe why. 

I have a plan of care. I have shrinking tumors. I have health in my future. 

And then my son got the flu.

Tuesday I got a phone call from school that August had a headache. I got my into my car, went to pick him up. He was laying on the couch at school, fast asleep, his face smashed up against the cinder block wall. Cinder blocked imprinted face and all, I pulled him to me, picked him up, and carried him out to the car.

Got him in the car, and he proceeded to projectile vomit all over himself and the car.

Got home, ran and grabbed Bobby, from work, he trooped up, we literally shoveled August and the puke out of the car.

With me in front and Bobby carrying August in, there is a big, wrapped, yellow box deliver from the post man full of stickers on the porch.

A box of sunshine. And it was literally and figuratively a cloudy day.

We have some miscellaneous things happening too, complicating the process of trying to purchase a home.
Yes, I said purchase a home.

We are nuts.

And then here's when it gets really nuts.

August had a terrible fever and headache all Tuesday and Wednesday, so we were very worried and took him to the doctor. He tested positive for the flu.. he'll be out for a week with it.
I then had the irrational thought that I wouldn't be able to have chemo yesterday. I WAS GOING TO GET SICK. It was going to mess up MY PLAN of treatment. I was going to have to put ANOTHER WEEK of waiting to be done with this. I COULDN'T DO THAT. I couldn't wait ONE MORE WEEK to get on the road to wellness. I couldn't handle it. I felt my body giving away from me, the air was leaving my chest...and all I could do was fall to whatever was sitting behind me and heave cry. Truly ugly cry. I couldn't catch myself.. I couldn't stop feeling this immense, overwhelming pity, and it took me a while to get it all out, and gather myself. With Bobby sitting by my side, wondering what was happening to his wife.

This brings me in line with today. Life brings you events to learn. To make you learn, or keep being an asshole.

My stop being an asshole moment was up.

A husband came into the infusion center while I, was privileged (and I mean that) enough to receive my treatment. He was dressed nice, hair done, and had a voice that made you want to listen to him, this is in defense of the face that I was being nosy. He also had a huge bag of Gigi's cupcakes. I'm going to listen.

I noticed he was giving hugs to every nurse in the Cancer center. They were very kind, and everyone wanted to make sure to give him his hug. He was expressing appreciation for everything they did for his wife. How fast it went. What a special person she was. How everyone was able to just love her so easily. There were no tears from everyone, but I could feel both the grief and gratitude, so strongly that I turned my head and started crying even though I had no place, or no right to be apart of that moment.
And in that instant of their professionalism with him, the man left, alone. That's when I saw it clearly, and it hit me like a brick wall. Complete humanity, and total a display of absolute strength. The nurses were hugging each other and cried......wiped their eyes, washed their hands....and then continued their work, just as that man was going to go continue his life with out his special person, whom everyone loved. I also know the nurses would totally kill me if they knew I posted this about them. 

And I might miss my chemo treatment and have to wait another week, to get back to living.


GUYS.... what the hell. This is when you can let humility and life truly grab you by the teeth, chew you up, spit you out, while aiming you at a wall. That's how I felt, and how dearly I knew I needed perspective.
I think that's what sickness is, a constant reminder of getting your life into fucking perspective. That's where our strength is in pain.
True strength, are the nurses and men and women, husbands, children, family that have to deal, treat, see, emotional tend to, dress, and possibly bury their loved ones that are dealing with illness. And then go on with the day as normal. We just have to get through the day, and say thank you for still being alive...and truly mean it.
So thank you, THANKYOU to everyone taking the time to think of us, taking time to write and say, "HI, Thinking of you", to care for us, to send us these "boxes of sunshine" while we do our thing of keeping things in perspective, because it all directs us to that, that feeling of gratitude, beyond any pain or annoyance that treatment gives us. Thank you to my second mom, making sure my boys are fed, toyed up, weird animals are taken care of, loved enough, bringing me all the drinks and whatever she can think of to make our time easier..it makes me think, OH MY GOD. All these people. I love them all, I need to be better, get better, love them back. As nerdy as that is, that's a big chunk of my wellness.
Thank you for the dinners, the picking our boys up, the gifts from across the country, the candy, the thoughts. My best girlfriend with food, drinks, movies, coming even when I don't know I need her. Sitting with me in quiet and playing on our phones.
Everyone that bothers the nurses (I mean keeps me company) at chemo.
All of you, helping me happily gain this 15 pounds of steroid weight with all your food love. 😂😂 you all know I can't say no to desert. Cheese. Good food.
Prayers. It is that reminder of care, that people love us, reminding us that that is what is important. Breaking down our pride, and letting people love and help us.

Thankfulness for listening to us whine, or cry, or have moments of feeling sorry for ourselves, and BEING there for us in all these moments.

Gratitude reminds us of living, that we are living and breathing, and there is nothing better than loving the people around you, and being there with the people you love, no matter what condition you're in.

 Good grief. I think that's my point. I love you guys. Thank you for caring for us.


Your quirky weird friend,
who needs to learn to write better,
Jo

To Err.

I have been struggling internally with parenting for a while. I swore to myself that I would be a better parent and not make the same mistakes as mine... I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family (which I have come to realize, who doesn't?) and I wanted to raise our children better. During this process, I have fretted, worried, panicked, and haven't actually enjoyed having our children because I was worrying about what I was doing wrong with them and constantly beating myself up over how I should of done things instead. It finally occurred to me that regardless of how I was raised, or what my parents did "wrong", I always knew I was incredibly loved. I never felt unwanted, and when I was in trouble, or things were rough.... I knew my parents loved me. And when my mother or father was upset, I wanted to help, soothe, make the problems go away, just as I knew they would for me.
So, I have come to the conclusion that the only real thing I want, is that no matter what -- I want my children to know that I love them. No matter how bad things seem, no matter how crazy the world will become around them, how ridiculous their parents may handle a situation, that their mother (and father) will always love them, and will always be there, no matter what they do. Simple. Right?

Oh..and I hope my parents forgive me for being unfair to them; the only thing they did wrong, was not telling me the only thing you need as a parent is love, understanding, the willingness to learn, make mistakes, and teach at least one thing (they will learn everything else from everyone else anyway.).

And signing out.

Mommy Overload.

Did I really just Google, "mommy overload"? (and did spell check really just tell me I needed to capitalize google?!)

Yep. And you know what I found? A lot of whiny moms.

I read this article..

Warning signs of mommy burnout

And, I COMPLETELY RELATE.

So let me get this straight, because you are a 'mom", and do your job as a mom... you are somehow losing yourself? Which means, because you have lost this mysterious "you", this is why you are discontent with your life......
Yep....................so now what? Make sure I get my "me time" every day, and find something I "love", and then life will be merry as a mom?
Maybe I'm missing something, but, aside from being a "mom" and a you-less you, what single, childless person, truly knows who they are and are 100% content with where they are at any given moment?
None, that I know of. I for hell wasn't one before I got married, nor am I finding a firmer, more defined and content sense of self now that I am married with children.
I have learned "more" about myself..but I'm sure others who are not married, or have kids have also had opportunities to learn more about themselves too.
My point in comparing single, kid-less people..to myself, is that, I think regardless where I was in life, or who I was with, eventually you get overloaded...sometimes, you need a break. If your life is so busy that you can't even think straight, like any other NORMAL person, SCALE BACK, cut back on what you're doing. And don't feel guilty about it. Sanity is more precious than getting that extra load of laundry done, or making sure your house is spotless. Sometimes you get so exacerbated with life, that you want to scream your freaking head off and throw every god damn thing you own out into the trash because you can't find your keys for the nineteenth thousandth time in that day and again, I'd like to think everyone has those kinds of days.
As a lot of these blogs, and other "mommy support" groups suggest, I don't think it boils down to making sure you have "me time" or that you are losing "you"...
In some weird way, reading these whiny blogs and seeing all this talk about "you time" for moms on the tv and such, made me realize that, everyone has bad days, regardless of where you are in life. I wouldn't trade my kids, or my life..for anything. OKAY, so some days, I might feel like I could trade them for a chocolate bar -- but I really wouldn't. I love them too much, really. And deep down, I would do anything for them even if it meant "losing" some of me. And why is that a problem? Who really "knows" who this "me" is anyway? Maybe, just maybe, this "me" that everyone keeps talking about finding, is already there, learning how to be more selfless, more loving, with a bigger heart, which might just be was being "you/me" is all about...no matter who you are in life. Maybe learning how to love until it hurts, give until it hurts, is more human, and helping us to understand more about ourselves than turning inward and only thinking about the "me".............
Okay, and let me say, yes, OBVIOUSLY as I said above, everyone needs a break sometimes, to just----------- RELAX. But again, that's EVERYONE. There's nothing wrong with that - but this whole, "find you time" , "get to know you time", I think is a bunch of garbage. And that is my official opinion. My personal struggle, is trying not to be a martyr. I've been blessed to be a stay at home mom, I've been blessed with two wonderful kids and a great husband. I am human, with every despicable human trait, qualities and weaknesses..and can have bad days if I want. So what?! It doesn't mean that I have lost me, and need to find, "me". I'm here, I've been here all along..and am just like every other person out there. And I'm tired of these bloggers, magazines, and articles, and t.v. shows telling mothers that simply because they are a mom, and are having a bad day, LIKE ANY OTHER NORMAL PERSON --- they have some how lost themselves. And just because you are having a bad day as a mom, doesn't mean that you are somehow less of a person, or need to go out and find "yourself".

Anyway, that's my soap box/pep talk for the night to myself, on a quirkier note, maybe the problem is that my life is really good...and the better life gets, the more creative we get at finding things wrong with it. Why? Hell if I know. I'll touch on that later.

How Ergo Baby Saved My Life.

I have been destroying my back for three years for no reason... and I just realized it after using a friend's Ergo baby carrier. HOLY COW, this thing is nice! I have been using a regular baby carrier that I ABSOLUTELY DREADED putting on because it hurt my back so much, was uncomfortable, and me and the baby were miserable in it. I have been leery of purchasing another one because I was convinced that all baby carriers are simply torture devices designed to induce misery on mothers, and then make them feel like a bad mom because they don't want to carry their kids around in something that is supposedly suppose to make their life easier. This carrier actually made me want to wear my baby all day long, and I am now mourning not having one. Seriously, I would rather hold my baby in this carrier, then carry him around in my arms!! And being the wonderful super mother that I am, I forgot my baby's hat for a day at the zoo, but this thing even has a little hoodie type thing attached to help keep him cool and protected from the sun! I'm blogging about it, because I am a nerdy mom, who finds it an incredible relief to finally have been introduced to a baby product that does not induce a feeling of dread when you have to take it out and use it. Oh -- did I mention the baby slept nearly the entire time in it? It was pretty much ridiculously awesome. And -- I felt like a pretty cool quirky mom wearing it too (obviously this matters tremendously). Rumor has it, for all you nursing moms out there, you can actually feed your baby in it too with ease. Didn't try to as it wasn't my carrier, but wanted to ;).

A++++ Ergo Baby!

Now onto the task of convincing my husband it is worth it to spend 100$ on a baby carrier.


the Link ::: http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/

The one I used specifically was this :

http://www.ergobabycarriers.com/babycarriers/item/BC6CA/

Target Update

Here's an email I just sent to Target after conversing with my friend Mallory about what happened:

"I just got off the phone with someone from your customer service center, and am still not satisfied with the response I got from my most recent experience at Target. I was given a gift card from a friend for my new born. Spent an hour in your store, with my two year old and new born to browse and purchase things to use the gift card on. There was an error at the cash register, and I waited 20 or more minutes with my children for a manager to finally come and tell me that the card was empty, it was never purchased. Which is fine, she could of left it at that and explain that whomever purchased it needed to go back and figure out what happened. But, instead, she asked for the packaging it came in, left for a few more moments, came back again, and said that they have been having a problem with some Target employees doing a swap.
Basically, the person on the register will purchase the gift card, take your money, and then swap the real gift card, with an empty one..and keep your gift card for themselves. And that this is what most likely happened with this gift card.
and that "I" would have to call and get this fixed, embarrass my friend and call her and tell her she gave me an empty gift card, and she would then have to call and prove she purchased it to get it fixed.
When I called the help center to explain my problem, the person explained that it may or may not have been an issue of theft, that someone could of accidently given us the empty card instead of the filled one. Here's the thing, and why I'm still not satisfied, regardless of the error, it was not an error on OUR part, it was an error on Target's part and I think we should be compensated for this error. Because not only does now my friend have to take the time out of her life to get this fixed after ALREADY thinking she was good to go (and she should of been), she already went to Target with the intent to purchase this gift for me (she also had three very young grandchildren with her when she went) and I would not of went to Target with my newborn and 2 year old had I not of gotten this gift card.. I would of stayed home.
I understand that we have to prove she purchased the card in order to get this fixed, because of Target's error...but when she proves this, as I said above, I think we both should be compensated for our time, and problems we encountered on account of your business. And I hope that the error would be better addressed being that it was implied that this is a common occurrence.
I posted a blog about my experience also, if you would like read about it, you can visit my blog at http://johannaswartz.blogspot.com"


So, HOPEFULLY they respond, and I can post a positive update from them!

Dear Target:

I received a very generous $50 dollar gift card from Target for my son, Augustine's birth.. I LOVE Target, so I was excited to go purchase some new things for the tyke.




Bad idea #1 was of course deciding to take a one month old, and a 2 1/2 year old to Target for a shopping adventure.


Dumb idea #2, was grabbing the ridiculous, musthavebeencreatedbyaspawnwhohatedhismother shopping cart that is similar to what I imagine driving the world's largest Cadillac would be, with the turning radius of a casket down Target's isles.

See image :




I proceeded filling my cart with around 100$ worth of product and headed to the check out............this was after of course a brief nursing session for Augustine in the dressing room, while I fought with my 2 1/2 year old Ivan to stop opening the dressing room door and bolting out. I must brag, I did do pretty good at nursing, and chasing down the two year old, all the while keeping myself unexposed.



*Ehem*



Back to checkout, so I wait in line, with my now nearly rabid two year old (we had been in Target for a little over an hour or so), and my ingenious idea was to bribe him to be good with candy. That's right mom, make the kid sit for an hour, and then proceed to chuck him full of sugar -- I can only imagine the mental thought processes of the poor saps in line behind me as my child is standing up in this boat of a shopping cart, which enabled him enough room to stretch around the register to press buttons as the young man was ringing up my purchases. My form of discipline is to wave a bag of M&Ms and say "Please sit down honey"....while suppressing my inner demon-mom, because we all know once you let her out, it's hard to get her back in. Plus, I really couldn't do much because I was holding my previously crying one month old, and was in front of the ginormous cart, and couldn't get around it to get to get to Ivan even if I wanted to.


So after what seemed like an excruciating additional hour, I handed over my gift card, which was the initiation of this momentary delusional laps of judgement to go to the store in the first place.......


And then it happened...............




The kid swiped the gift card multiple times, trying to get it to work...deep down, I knew this kid would have difficulty getting the card to work, but I figured he'd get it handled. But NO, his register ends up printing a little receipt, and he ends up flipping the "Light of DOOM" in his isle on for the manager to come over. The manager comes over after the mandatory wait for any store with these lights, (by that I mean enough time for everyone behind you to find another line, and for both of your children to be crying, this of course is just an approximation). The manager took my gift card and the receipt..and told me to go ahead and wait outside of the aisle for her, and the kid ringing me up gave me a convenient receipt for my purchases that who ever rings me up next and just scan, and take my money.



So, I try to maneuver out of the isle, and get stuck with the damn cart, because dumb idea #40692, I'm holding my crying one month old and trying to guide it with with one hand. Helpful cashier boy stands and stares while I struggle to get the heck out of the lane.



So.......I finally get out of the isle, and I wait. and wait, and wait.............and wait.



Then the manager calls me over to the office, and this is what initiated me to write my first blog:




Her explanation.




First off, the card was empty, it was never purchased. Which is fine, she could of left it at that and explain that whomever purchased it needed to go back and figure out what happened. But, instead, she asked for the packaging it came in, left for a few more moments, came back again, and said that they have been having a problem with some Target employees doing a swap.



Basically, the person on the register will purchase the gift card, take your money, and then swap the real gift card, with an empty one..and keep your gift card for themselves.


So I was dumbfounded. I asked her what am I suppose to do.....and she explained that "I" would have to call whomever purchased it, and tell them that they would have to find their original receipt, call Target, and try to get their money back for the gift card. If they can't find the receipt, depending on how they paid for it, they could, or couldn't get their money back. And she gave me a number to call.




So there I was..standing in Target, unshowered, leaking on one side, holding a crying one month old on the other, wishing I had a shock collar for my 2 1/2 year old who was maniacally eating M&Ms' while standing on his seat and having an enthusiastic hello for every person who passed us....



and this young girl passed me, with the coolest hair cut I've ever seen, and the cutest quirky outfit, couldn't of been older than 20 years old, and I thought to myself........ I used to be that girl.




and now I'm home, writing this blog and would like to officially thankyou Target, for admitting you have noted internal theft problems with your staff and theft from your customers by them, and that your official response to it is a hearty, we don't give a damn.

So if you're going to buy a gift card, make sure you actually recieve a filled gift card!